So much confusion..

Right, saw Cal on Saturday - had an amazing day, had a laugh and he made me forget about everything going on. It feels so nice to be with him, he's soo sweet and cuddly and warm, and I fit perfectly into him when we hug.

Saw mikey on Sunday - had an equally amazing day, he sat with me in McDonald's for ages and just talked and laughed and listened to our favorite songs together.

I'm so stuck. I don't wanna keep mikeys hopes up for ages if I'm just gonna end it - but I'm just not sure yet if I wanna stay with him, even if we never got back together, is still need a lot of time before heading into anything new - but Cal has just told me that he likes me, he just doesn't wanna do anything about it.

That made it a little easier.

epic packingg..

my fingers are numb from scrubbing and sorting and packing. My nails feel about to fall off :/

But, thank god - it would appear that ive packed and cleaned almost everything that needs to be done, just a few things in the morning, and a few on wednesday, then thursday morning im off to college to come home to a new house! -.-

blergh - cba to unpack everything again.

Break-ups and Make-ups..

Currently - I'm sitting and writing out countless definitions for Business Studies homework - and quite frankly, I'm bored.

I suppose I'm gonna use this as an online diary from now on, cause nobody i know properly knows about it, apart from Cal - but I'm pretty sure he's forgotten about it by now.

Its Thursday, and I'm totally dead from the neck up. on Tuesday - me and my boyfriend broke up, on Monday it would have been 15 months together.
He was getting miserable at really small things, and not making the effort with us anymore. so i gave up too :/ we had an argument and i decided I'm not going to give him another chance to sort things out this time.

Tuesday night, i was in floods of tears, and having panic attacks - i was thinking of all the things about him I'll miss - the way he would always rub my feet if the hurt, and he's always cook me what i wanted for dinner, and if i hadn't had anything to eat before i went over he'd always make me breakfast.
I gave up and called him - i had no one else to talk to.

he walked to my house and got me, i stayed the night at his. He made me some cheesy mash, purely because its great comfort food. He hugged me on the sofa for a while, and we watched TV and just sat there - i felt like i was making things worse by being there because he was so quiet sometimes, and he'd just get up and leave for random, unimportant things.

When we went to bed, he cuddled me all night and kissed my head how i like. and the next day we just had a nice normal day - like how we used to, just chilled out and happy.
I cant say i didn't cry, i did, a lot. and he got me tissues and wiped my tears away and hugged me and rocked me.

Last night, we were on the phone all night, like how we always did, and he read to me, how he always does to get me to sleep, this morning i called him again and he seemed a little better, i said he could text me if he got upset or missed me.

I went to Cal's house, we watched a film together and kinda snuggled up - i guess i should explain Cal to anyone that reads this.
Callum is one of the most amazing guys I've ever met, to put it simply. And i guess I've always loved him, just a little bit, for the past 4 and a half years since we first met, or i should say, first spoke.
Now, at the time, we were both 12 (i think). so excuse the kiddy cheesy-ness and immaturity, because tbh, we were.
He added me on MSN :D he added me from a chain mail that got sent to us both. i guess i had a pretty cool email address back then - though i cant for the life of me remember what it was. And we spoke a LOT - and i loved him almost instantly, yeah okay, so it was probably some child infatuation, but at the time, i was crazy about him, i couldn't get enough. We met up a few times, and the shy guy he was back then asked me to be his girlfriend :) i was over the moon - i still have the diary to prove it.
We broke up a fair few times, and got back together a lot too, we argued all the time about stupid things and unimportant facts. In the end, he found somebody else and quite frankly - ditched everybody for her all the time. After however long, he realized she was crazy, and broke up with her. He started speaking to me again.. although i wasn't gonna get my hopes up this time.
I found other people, and i guess he did too, but every time we ever spoke there was always still a pang of regret for what happened, and from the emotions i felt towards him all those years ago. Saturday night, when i saw him again, and he sat on the opposite side of the table texting me with a little grin on his face - i felt it again.
I wanted to see him again, properly, to see if it was real again, that was Monday - where he might have kissed me (yes yes, i was still with Mikey - do you know how bad i still feel about that? :/)
my stomach was in knots straight away, again. i always, always, got butterflies whenever I've seen him. He was trying to cheer me up all day after that - he hugged me, and i fit perfectly into his side, he kissed my head exactly at the right moments, and he played with my hair and stroked my shoulder and my neck and back, it was like he knew exactly what i like, and exactly what makes me feel better. I had the best and most stress free day i'd had in ages.
That night when we were texting, he came out with loads of little things that even i'd forgotten, about me from ages ago, it was so sweet.

So when me and mikey broke up - Cal was the one that came running out of his house to come get me from the train station, and he was the one who was majorly late to go out cause he stayed with me to make me feel better.
And today, it was him that bundled me up on his bed in a blanket and put on one of my favorite films to watch - and was once again, late to see his friends for me.
Mikey texted me while i was there, constantly, and rang me, and left me voicemails and sent my phone beserk obviously. it was on silent in my bag - it wasnt really my fault that when i dont reply he goes into some frenzy of texting and calling me. he did this on monday too, it really got on my nerves - especially since tbh, he should be constantly on my case anymore.
He gave me something when i left - a letter. This letter is the cutest thing ever, basically saying that he'd found a letter i'd given him after we'd broken up and how happy he was when he got it. He went on to say that he felt bad he never did anything like that back then, so he's doing it now - he wrote out 'i love hugging jenny' 62 times, I think i wrote 'i love callum' but i have noo idea how many times. He also said how 'amazing' i've been the past few days, and that im a great friend.
but what got me was when he wrote that he regretted ever breaking up with me.
I regret it too. :)

it was at this point i became dead from the neck up.

Mikey - amazing when i'm with him, but insists on smothering me all the time we're apart. And if I got back with him, would it just change back to how it was when i was miserable, would he still smother me when i go out?
Callum - Amazing all the time, but can i be sure it wont just end like it did last time? Besides, how can i know if he's even feeling this. His letter just called me a great friend.

an emotional weekend..

SO
im back :)

Saturday, walked down to Aldi 8-) super cool. bought some random crap with mikey, almost got hit by some insane faggot driver on the walk to mikeys, got to mikeys, tried to bake a cake - it probably would have turned out better had i not put so much milk in it and mikey hadn't broken our last egg on the floor. :')
so anyway - cake probably would have bounced off the floor had we dropped it.. yummy.

That evening, was the beautiful football incident. and i was still rather annoyed at him because quite frankly - i did look like a pile of wank that night.
mikey had invited james - and i know damn well when you put those two together they chat on and on about music and i get bored shitless. So i had the brilliant idea to invite my beautiful Callum, whom i'd not seen for like, 4 years, and thought it was a brilliant opportunity to see him and have a laugh, cause he always gets me hyper.

so there we are, sat in some creepy bar in a dodgey place with big ass bikers chillen out, making space invaders and spongebob from a coaster that Cal had ripped to pieces cause the nice lady took away the knife he was playing with.
seeing as me and Cal were opposite eachother and we were right behind the drummer of the band, we couldnt exactly hear eachother - so we texted untill the band finished. at this - mikey got annoyed.
later claiming id barely spoken to him all night and that he was annoyed id payed more attention to Cal than to him.

we sat up till gone 3am arguing about the fact he's been a shity boyf lately and i told him if he doesnt get his acttogether one month from today - then im breaking up with him and playing lick tig with Cal. although - lick tig isn't as 'dirty' as it sounds, cause we're retarded we actually just licked eachothers faces for a tig. :')

Today - ive been texting Callum almost all day, cause quite honestly, he's amazing. (not to mention gorgeousssssssss!)
and mikeys been all quiet with me all day, and tbh, i just wish he'd grow up and accept the fact that whoopdeedoo, i have a guy friend - just just he has girl friends and expects me to be perfectly fine with him meeting up with a girl that he was with for 2 years before me.

me and Cal, were together like, 6 months max?

there is a difference.

So currently - im texting callum, writing this blog, and wishing i could have a hug. :/





ps. 'got back in touch with this awesome guy, and i cant wait to watch ping pong with him on a sunday morning'
just for you. <3

Football

I hate it.

I asked my boyf to help me sort my hair out seeing as they have no mirrors I am tall enough to look into - he says yeah sure. Then the football comes on...

By the time its finished he has 2 minutes left before he has to leave to help his dads band set up at the pub.

My hair remains a mess.

beddy bed bed.

I love my bed :D
Is prefere to stay here than get out do crap loads of cleaning and then walk 2 miles to mikeys house in the glarey sun.

I'm suprised its sunny actually - I live in england. It's almost never sunny here, last year our summer was 2 weeks long. Then we had more rain.

I had an odd dream last night - that I was at college and I was trying to cross the road to get on the coach home but loads of traffic was coming and the coach left - I finally got across the road and knocked on the coach window and got on. Then some girl came up to the front to get off, when the coach stopped she slammed forwards and round into the guy sitting at the front and they ended up having a major makeout session while the driver was saying how healthy it is for guys to love their naked bodies. Mind you - the driver looks like captain birdseye.

Seeing as its 20 past 9 in the am, I best get going to clean the whole bathroom, tidy my room, Hoover it, dust off the windowsill, empty the bins, scrub the bathroom floor till its spotless and wipe down the window frames and doors. Otherwise - ill be stuck home all weekend and not at my amazing boyfs for the nighttt.

Debating on a shower too - my hair might get gross between now and tonight when we go out..

Friday with the boyfriend

Such a welcome escape :D

Atm, waiting for a beautiful bowl of his amazing cheesy mash.

BTW - lee Evans has got to be the funniest bloke ever - watched his dvd earlier, I can't believe I know almost all the words. I feel like a complete saddo - at least I don't recite it in my sleep like my goofy boyf.

Anyway - off for mash. Yummy.

a little bit of background information.

so, hello there.
ima start by giving you a complete life story!

nono, dont worry. i cant be bothered.

all you really need to know is ive been raised by alcoholics my whole life - before i was born infact - hence the slight unstability of myself.
also - i now live with my dad and his girlfriend, in a huge house somewhere - but we're moving soon, to a bungalow.
as well as being a mental cripple - i find it difficult to walk. this is due to my lovely love of a boyfriend, who, about a year ago, elbowed my kneecap slightly off my knee. to compensate for this - my knee muscles decided it'd be fun to pull it more off, and then due to the funny way i was waddling around, my other knee wanted to join in. I'm very happy at the thought of living in a bungalow now.

to go into detail about the alcohol thing - it was my mom, mainly. and a fair few 'unplesant' things happened when i was young, up untill i was about 8 when she finally left (my dad physically threw her from the house) and dad got with the gf that im currently stuck living with.

she is evil.